A Simple Misunderstanding

“So there I was, just walking down the woods, minding my own business, when the bitch jumped out of nowhere and attacked me. It was completely unprovoked, I swear.”

OH?

“Thankfully, I just happened to have some weapons on hand. Did you know holy water doesn’t work on werewolves?”

I WOULD IMAGINE NOT. THEY’RE NOT CREATURES OF EVIL, BUT OF NATURE. AND NATURE IS NEITHER GOOD NOR EVIL.

“Yeah, well, this one was. Total murderous psycho. I mean, sure, I might’ve given her kid… puppy… whatever… a dirty look, but that’s no reason to kill somebody!”

I AM NOT CONCERNED WITH REASONS. ONLY THE RESULTS.

“I guess you would be, huh? Lemme guess, you’re neither good nor evil either?”

BINGO.

“You know, you’re not what I expected.”

PEOPLE VERY RARELY EXPECT DEATH.

“Heh, true. Hey, just out of idle curiosity, are violent deaths trickier than some old geezer on his deathbed? I mean, we were thrashing around a lot, and my corpse down there is pretty mangled. Is it, like, harder to yank a soul out of there, like pulling a body out of a car wreck?”

THE MANNER OF DEATH IS INCONSEQUENTIAL. THOUGH SOME STRONG SOULS CLING TO LIFE MORE STUBBORNLY, YOURS WAS QUITE EASY TO HARVEST.

“Oh, huh… anyway, where was I?”

THE WEREWOLF MOTHER ATTACKED YOU. ARE YOU SURE IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THE SILVER DAGGER YOU WERE CLUTCHING IN YOUR HAND?

“Nah, man, that was just a joke! I mean, yeah, maybe I had it out when she saw me, but these woods are known for their dangers! I mean, look what happened to me!”

YOU DO REALIZE I AM OMNISCIENT, DON’T YOU?

“Oh… uh… well, okay, maybe I was waving it at her kid, but I was startled! You’d have done the same if this werewolf kid trotted out onto the road. ”

…

“Well, you’d have done the same, if you were human. I mean, sure, maybe I freaked out at the sight of a werewolf and got spooked…”

SO YOU ADMIT TO WRONGDOING?

“Hell, no! A mistake isn’t necessarily wrongdoing, and it certainly doesn’t merit disembowelment! It’s not like I went looking for a fight with a werewolf just to prove my manhood to my buddies. What kind of idiot would do that? I didn’t have anything to prove to those idiots. Especially not to Floyd, after the bastard slept with my wife.”

I’M NOT JUDGING YOU.

“Oh, okay, good. Not that there’s—

THAT’S SOMEONE ELSE’S JOB.

“Hey, where does that stairway lead?”

DOWN.

“It’s awful black.”

I’M SURE YOU’LL FIND YOUR WAY AROUND.

“You’re not coming with me?”