A Review/Nerd-Rant on Transformers 4

One word can describe Transformers 4: LONG.

If you want more words, here I go. I'll start with a spoiler-free summary, and then go into spoilers later. While I had fun, the movie felt tedious. At one point, I thought we had reached the end of the movie, but nope... it had only been the halfway mark. After things get going, they go go go, with no letting up. The second act on is a long string of variouos action scenes, with absolutely no space to breath in between. But I really appreciated the lack of sophomore humor in this movie. No pissing, no balls.

I'm pretty sure all of Hound's dialogue was taken from recording John Goodman on a crazy bender. Half of it didn't make sense. And pretty much all the Autobots were dicks, constantly infighting and tossing out death threats left and right. I know that this universe is more brutal than a Saturday morning cartoon, but it's hard to relate to our "heroes" when they behave more like Decepticons.

Mark Wahlberg is far more likeable than LeBeef, and his daughter a much better female lead than the last two. A father protecting his daughter is a much more  noble and easier to route for than a teen dweeb just trying to get some out-of-his-league booty. And his character is far more interesting. Stanley Tucci was great too. I expected to hate him after his introductory scene, but his eventually fleshed out and became a really fun one. And I never expected to root for Frasier Crane to die. Tossed salad and scrambled eggs, indeed.

Lockdown! Lockdown had more dialogue in this one movie than Megatron had in the last three. And he was a far more interesting lead villain. He actually had motivation and personality beyond "Mwa-ha-ha squich puny fleshlings and take their planet." Imagine Maclolm McDowell as a robot.

Okay, not much else I can say without revieling spoilers, so read on at your own risk.

Dinobots got absolutely no characterization, but I didn't expect any. They didn't even speak, and their appearance felt very Deus Ex Machina. In fact, there was no explanation for how they got their dinosaur modes.

Pardon my french, but the f***ers killed Ratchet! I figured it was coming from the glimpse of Ratchet we got in the trailer, but still... As soon as that happened, I wanted each and every one of those CIA bastards to die horrible deaths. [Dear real CIA: I'm talking about fiction here.] I don't know of Lockdown taking him out was a shout-out to the source material or a just a coincidence, but it was still interesting to see the two interact for a brief moment before... *sigh.* All my favorite Autobots are dead now. First Jazz, then Ironhide, and now Ratchet. Sideswipe was nowhere to be seen, so he was presumably killed offscreen too.

I did find it extremely infeasible that humans can make better Cybertronians than Cybertronians themselves, even with Megatron's help. This incarnation of Megatron has proven that he's not the brightest bulb in the box.

Bringing him back is a cliche at this point, but I still like HOW it was done, with the Galvatron angle. Having Frank Welker voice him was great. But once again, 'Tron is reduced to the same plot he had in the first movie, and kind of dips in and out of the story and is pretty much irrelevant to the whole thing. In fact, the final third of the movie felt like a huge retread, with the humans having to hide the Plot Device from 'Tron which he needs to build a new army. Bayformers Meg/Galvatron has always been a poor man's incarnation of the character.

Also, looks like we're getting Quintessons. Which I'm kind of excited for. They always had a unique, alien design even before Bay got his hands on the franchise, so it should be fascinating to see how they translate into movieverse aesthetics. And given what we've already seen of their technology... they should be a terrifying force to encounter.